urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair let the madness ensue... desired.despair@gmail.com Miss Kelso 2009-11-28T07:42:20Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:20260 2009-11-28T07:42:20Z 2009-11-28T07:42:20Z "Run" Snow Patrol you sang me a song, i paid no mind.<br />the familiar tune of a jaded past.<br />i wanted nothing to do with such distress.<br /><br />you sang me a song, i turned away.<br />i didn't want to hear the melody.<br />i've heard it before, it's so overplayed.<br /><br />you sang me a song, i already knew the chorus.<br />what a catchy tune it was.<br />entertaining at best, nothing more.<br /><br />you sang me a song, i memorized the lyrics.<br />it felt so new, so fresh, so hypnotic.<br />keep it on repeat, baby, don't ever stop.<br /><br />you sang me a song, i sang along with you.<br />together as one, the beat goes on.<br />high on cloud nine, can't stop me now.<br /><br />we sang our song, someone's out of key.<br />the bridge sounds sour, the verse is all wrong.<br />with such gorgeous harmony, we can't let this go.<br /><br />we lost the lyrics, you hum to my whistle.<br />we're late to rehearsal, darling.<br />this song can't sing itself. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:20124 2009-11-18T07:08:23Z 2009-11-18T07:08:23Z Ghosts n Stuff -deadmau5 the pierces are slowly replacing themselves.<br />things are starting to look up.<br /><br />employed... almost off probation.<br />i have my best friend here.<br /><br />things are starting to look up.<br /><br />however, there's something missing.<br />and i don't have time to look for it.<br /><br />hope it catches up with me.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i lack any interest in updating this page. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:19751 2009-10-21T22:42:24Z 2009-10-21T22:42:24Z "I am NOT a Whore" -LMFAO i call shenanigans on life.<br /><br />one day, i'll wake up and everything will be ok.<br />well... not everything.<br />most things? ... no ... <br /><br />... <br /><br />one day i'll wake up<br />and i'll be complacent with life sucking.<br /><br />i'm almost there. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:19459 2009-10-12T22:46:39Z 2009-10-12T22:46:39Z "Sick Muse" -Metric why are we here?<br /><br />this question has riddled and plagued my life for years.<br />constantly searching for something that may or may not exist.<br /><br />and then it finally hit me<br />we aren't here for any one reason.<br /><br />we're here because we are.<br />and if we weren't, then where would we go?<br /><br />i've come to the sound realization that even if we were here for any one given reason, if someone out there could answer all my questions... if i had all the knowledge there was to be had...<br /><br />it wouldn't matter anyhow.<br />i'm still stuck on this rock.<br />i still can't find a job.<br />i'll still have bills to pay.<br /><br />today's theme is pessimism,<br />as was yesterday's...<br />and as tomorrow's will be.<br /><br />it's only my desire to be realistic that keeps my glass half empty.<br />why disease my mind with the thought of everything being ok?<br />it's so much simpler to keep my expectations at a low.<br />i can't honestly say i'm never disappointed because of it.<br /><br />but it helps when shit does hit the fan.<br /><br />unfortunately, seeing that semi charging at you doesn't make it hurt any less.<br /><br />today hasn't been all that bad.<br />i wonder what misery tomorrow will bring. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:19423 2009-10-07T22:36:02Z 2009-10-07T22:36:02Z i only log into this account when i've lost everything.<br />i'm not going to bother posting everything that's happened in this 38 weeks.<br /><br />obviously on probation. managed to move out.<br />and here i am all over again.<br /><br />it's degrading.<br />and i've learned she resents me.<br />for my existence pretty much.<br /><br />i'm not one of her perfect little sons.<br />i'll never be.<br /><br />oh god, why am i even bothering.<br />my ranting has gotten me nowhere before<br />what will it do now.<br /><br />... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:19054 2009-01-11T08:55:45Z 2009-01-11T08:55:45Z "Bring the Noise" -Benny Benassi i can't seem to keep up with this very well.<br /><br />random info::<br />had court on the 6th, to request public defender.<br />go back to court in the 16th.<br />offer that's on the table [worst case]...<br />-2 years probation w/ weekly UA's<br />-40 hours community service<br />-$500 fine<br />-drug class<br />still haven't found a job.<br />but have some pretty decent prospects coming up this week.<br />*fingers crossed*<br />i gave up on quitting the candy.<br />but, i'm doing MUCH better.<br />and... well. that's about it.<br /><br />anyhow... i like this guy.<br />oh christ... no... i'm not starting this.<br />i'm just setting myself up for failure.<br />most likely. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:18862 2008-12-15T08:19:08Z 2008-12-15T08:19:08Z 'Flashy Lights' -Kanye West details can be overlooked.<br />let's just do it this way...<br /><br />fight with mom.<br />planned to go back to junction dec 4th.<br />got arrested day before thanksgiving.<br />theft and possession.<br />spent the night in jail.<br />would have been in for a week or so.<br />had i not gotten a bondsman.<br />have to call him every tuesday.<br />can't leave the jurisdiction.<br />court date... not set... but will be.<br />max sentence could be 180 days in county and 2 grand in fines.<br />had another close call run in with the cops shortly after.<br />got away clean.<br />wrecked moms car a lil.<br />not my fault, even the insurance company can see that from the damage.<br />so, i'm good there.<br />got all jacked up on my poison for a while.<br />quitting now... doing okay so far.<br />cheated a little on friday.<br />but it was acceptable.<br />considering i finally quit my shit ass job at movie tavern.<br />straight up walked on them at 6 pm.<br />now... i job hunt.<br />and hope i get a forgiving judge.<br /><br />*sigh*<br />my karma fairy is a sadistic little bitch. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:18473 2008-11-14T02:40:02Z 2008-11-14T02:44:23Z 'I Feel Like Dying' -Lil Wayne once again<br />i've let a long period of time pass<br />since i've posted last.<br /><br />shit...<br />ok.<br /><br />basically, wisconsin kinda sucked.<br />i became a body piercer in the process.<br />which did not suck.<br /><br />but the roomies flipped on me.<br />drama, drama, drama.<br />met some cool people.<br />but i just couldn't handle the bumfucknowhere feeling.<br />so...<br />now i'm in texas.<br />moved here at the end of june.<br /><br />go figure.<br /><br />currently, i'm sitting on my mother's laptop.<br />in a really nice fucking apartment.<br />once again, have a shitty job, but my existence doesn't depend on it.<br /><br />i've dated someone, fucked around with others, debated on leaving...<br />and somehow, i've managed to become a dependant.<br />for the sake of general public reading this, i won't specify what it is...<br /><br />but it feels damn good.<br /><br />well, not right now.<br /><br />no, now... i'm being responsible.<br />i'm in the middle of a comedown...<br />and fuck... i would kill to get more of that shit.<br /><br />but i'm not.<br />i won't let the drugs do me.<br />i do them.<br /><br />they're supposed to make me fucked up.<br />in a good way.<br /><br />as opposed to... needing them to function.<br />fuck that.<br /><br />anyway... i've grown tired of this writing nonsense.<br />this shit makes you retarded as fuck.<br />you can see the words, you can think the thoughts...<br /><br />but nothing comes out.<br />nothing makes sense.<br />it all just... fades...<br /><br />one minute to the next hour.<br />one night to the next week.<br /><br />i don't feel anything.<br /><br />i don't fucking feel anything. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:18348 2008-07-13T06:21:43Z 2008-07-13T06:21:43Z 'Tear You Apart' -She Wants Revenge Let's recap from my last post...<br /><br />Blahblahblah, read it yourself...<br />I obviously left grand junction.<br />And a potentially decent relationship.<br /><br />The morning we left, we made a breakfast stop with bren<br />[i should just say 'with you' considering you're the only one that reads this shit]<br /><br />but i digress...<br />i was doing ok that morning.<br />i really was.<br />i thought i was ready.<br /><br />until i hit the goodbye hug.<br />and in that moment i knew...<br />i'd be in wisconsin for 1 to 6 months.<br /><br />looking back, i should have just stayed...<br />because the goodbye hug from my best friend<br />made me cry more than anything...<br />but i held most of it back.<br /><br />damn...<br />i should have stayed.<br /><br />anywho... <br />leaving junction itself wasn't a big deal.<br />it almost felt like a vacation...<br /><br />we hit silverthorne and had to gas up.<br />standing in the parking lot holding the leash<br />of a hyperactive antsy pit bull <br />and trying to smoke a cigarette and the same time.<br /><br />barefoot, exhausted, a little disoriented... <br /><br />i'm not sure why... but the ugliest little maroon car<br />caught my attention...<br />i kept looking at the car... not the people, the car.<br />i'm not sure why it mesmerized me so...<br />and then a green shirt caught my attention...<br />a green dropkick murpheys tshirt...<br />attached to a larger male prototype...<br />with blue mohawk and a black hat...<br />and... oh shit.<br /><br />it was zach. tripp. fuckstick.<br />whatever we'd like to call him.<br /><br />but, i wasn't for sure.<br />jeff and autumn confirmed it though.<br />it was surely him.<br /><br />i laughed hysterically.<br />we lived a block apart from each other<br />for a month.<br />during this month, he walked to work all the time.<br />which was within a block of our house.<br /><br />my point being, in that month, we never saw each other.<br />and now... of all places... silverthorne...<br /><br />fuck.<br />sorry.<br />i found it comical...<br /><br />and once we got through denver...<br />and the mountains were BEHIND us...<br />i cried again.<br /><br />....<br />i keep having to pause every now and again...<br />i can't seem to knock this whole thing out in one shot...<br /><br />anyway...<br /><br />so after 2 days of financial fuck ups<br />the "Do we have enough to make it?" conversation<br />Sleeping in the truck, falling asleep at the wheel<br />Crying baby, antsy dog, no ganj smoking...<br /><br />We finally made it.<br />And you bet your ass <br />i passed out on jeff's mom's couch <br />within 10 minutes of being there.<br /><br />so, that night we unload the truck at our new place.<br />not too bad... i had a cute little dungeony basement set up<br />and the floor in there was fucking plywood...<br />but whatever.<br />i had my own room.<br />and for that, i was stoked.<br /><br />once again...<br />laziness kicks in...<br />continuation will have to...<br />continue later... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:18066 2008-07-12T05:28:23Z 2008-07-12T05:28:23Z 'Schism' -Tool it amazes me how much my life changes daily...<br />17 weeks since my last post, apparently...<br /><br />well... i got out of junktown...<br />april 22nd... i left for wisconsin.<br /><br />two rivers, wisconsin.<br />the worst... and most fulfilling... <br />2 months of my life...<br /><br />well, i guess i already gave you the punch line.<br />i didn't last there...<br />but you don't know where i am now...<br /><br />let's go back, shall we?<br /><br />i made my decision to leave the valley shortly after my last post.<br />fed up with people... life... everything.<br />i was at a stand still.<br /><br />and wouldn't you know?<br />the second word gets out...<br />suddenly EVERYONE wants to hang out...<br />which, previous to this bit of news...<br />i was a social hermit by force<br />of no one wanting to hang out.<br /><br />so, the ever-popular melanie is one of these folks<br />and wants to party it up the last 2 weeks i'm there.<br /><br />given, she and i have had our riffs,<br />we were ok with each other then<br />and still are now...<br />but i digress... multiple times...<br /><br />we decide to go party it up with dean and his posse...<br />cause, that's what ya do on a slow thursday night<br />when those people are the only ones partying...<br /><br />and, of course, she has a male interest/prospect at this time...<br />Logan. and wouldn't ya know, he's got a single friend?<br /><br />"...So... is this friend... good looking?"<br />"Oh... not rea-... well, for you... he's not too bad. He's real nice. And hilarious."<br /><br />For me... thanks.<br /><br />"His name's Tyler... I think you'll really like him."<br /><br />Of course you think so melanie...<br />he's your interest's best friend...<br /><br />As luck would have it,<br />Melanie was correct.<br />I took one look at him and I knew...<br />He and I would getting naked together.<br /><br />"So... I REFUSE to let you be antisocial!"<br />"...Ok..."<br /><br />I'm amazed I don't immediately scare people off.<br /><br />And we fuckin' hit it off...<br />But something happened...<br />He left, came back, had some other chick there<br />[who ended up really only being a friend]<br />i was drunk, stoned, all of the above...<br />honestly, i don't remember.<br /><br />I was pissed the next morning.<br />Fully expecting nookie... <br />and not having gotten any since Zach.. aka Tripp...<br />6 weeks of no ass...<br />Yeah i was irate...<br /><br />But, as luck would have it again...<br />Melanie shows up<br />And guess who's house we're going to?<br />Yupp.<br />Pissed I was no more...<br /><br />Let's move along here...<br />We get drunk...<br />Well, I get totally hammered.<br />And puke in this kid's yard.<br /><br />And wouldn't ya know... the guy held my hair<br />AND gave me a toothbrush...<br />Really was a nice guy...<br /><br />Anyhow... we got naked...<br />Did our thing...<br />Let's skip over the part<br />where I puked in my sleep<br />in his bed<br />due to alcohol poisoning<br /><br />Yes, let's skip that part.<br /><br />So, we spend the next 2 weeks<br />Drinking, Hanging out, Doin the nasty...<br />Good times it really was.<br /><br />It gets down to the last couple days.<br />We party it up, we go to VI and the graveyard.<br />I say peace out, and he drives away.<br /><br />Clean and smooth.<br />Perfect.<br />No crushed feelings.<br /><br />But of course, there's 2 days left.<br />And of course, Melanie shows up my last night...<br />"Tyler wants to see you."<br /><br />You think I don't know that?<br />You think I want to drag this out?<br />You think this is fun for me?<br /><br />But that's just the thing.<br />She didn't want me to leave.<br />And knew I would do damn near anything<br />For a decent guy.<br />Or an excuse...<br /><br />So, I'm grunged out in my pj's.<br />I tell her... over and over...<br />"Midnight dude, we're leaving early.. I'm not kidding."<br />"Oh yeah, ok"<br /><br />We do the graveyard thing with beer.<br />Expected.<br />We go back to Tyler's...<br />Unexpected.<br /><br />He and I curl up in his bed alone...<br />Alone...<br />Weird.<br /><br />You see, even when we fucked, we had everyone's heads up our asses.<br />So alone time? Unheard of.<br />And terrifying.<br /><br />After spending an hour of small talk, guitar hero and cuddling...<br />I knew... we weren't going to have sex.<br />I wasn't disappointed, because I enjoyed his company.<br /><br />The fact I wasn't upset is what upset me.<br />Because that meant one thing...<br />I had fallen... or come damn close to it.<br /><br />So of course... I cried.<br />I didn't really want to leave anymore.<br />And he wanted me to stay too.<br /><br />But I really thought about it...<br />I had to get the hell out of that town.<br />That's all I've ever wanted.<br />And one boy stopping me?<br />I couldn't do that to myself.<br /><br />I also knew, as much fun as the past 2 weeks had been.<br />What would happen if I decided to stay?<br /><br />Life would be back to the same as it was before I met Tyler.<br />No one would text me.<br />No one would help me.<br />No one would care at all.<br /><br />After spending all night crying...<br />Debating... Stressing... Cuddling...<br />.......sand is overrated...........<br /><br />It hit 5 am...<br />And i had to make my decision...<br /><br />Standing in front of the house.<br />Holding him next to his car.<br />Kissing him over and over...<br />God I didn't want to let go.<br /><br />It was goodbye.<br /><br />Laziness and depression have taken over...<br />I'm stopping for now... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:17879 2008-03-15T02:43:07Z 2008-03-15T02:43:07Z i hate expecting things...<br />and then them not happening.<br /><br />disappointment.<br />story of my life.<br /><br />i'm pretty damn close to just... running.<br /><br />with no direction in mind, either.<br /><br />before, there was nothing keeping me here.<br />now... it seems as if i'm being driven away.<br /><br />i hate my living situation.<br />i hate my financial situation.<br />i hate being unemployed.<br />i hate the fact that i still care about him.<br />i hate that i fell for him.<br />i hate that i can't stop thinking about him.<br /><br />and i FUCKING HATE being chewed out<br />for doing all the things i hate doing, but can't stop.<br /><br />well, as far as i'm concerned,<br />you can all suck my dick.<br /><br />i can't just get on my feet that easily.<br />if it was as easy as you're making it out to be,<br />we wouldn't have so many bums, would we?<br />dumb shit.<br /><br />and i can't just forget him.<br />easy for you to say.<br />you didn't fall...<br />i did.<br />so, excuse me for having a hard time with it.<br /><br />fuck it.<br />first open opportunity it get,<br />no one will see me ever again.<br /><br />gone.<br />for good this time around. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:17560 2008-03-11T05:00:55Z 2008-03-11T05:00:55Z i'm too damn impatient.<br /><br />to a point of ridiculousness.<br /><br />i just want to fall in love and have my happily ever after.<br />right now.<br /><br />i want to fall in love.<br />i want to have my kid.<br />and i want to rid the world of my wretched existence.<br /><br />i think that's why i'm so apt to fall for everyone who walks by.<br />i just want to get this bullshit done and over with quickly.<br /><br />not the best way to go about it...<br />having unprotected sex with overweight, blue-haired, smooth-talking boys, that is...<br /><br />but whatev.<br />we live and learn.<br /><br />let's hope today's lesson doesn't involve having his bastard child.<br />that would ruin my day.<br /><br />i'm thinking of going to texas...<br />considering it...<br />but i'm just not sure.<br /><br />running away isn't going to fix everything.<br />but it lessens the pain of the splatter of my brains<br />from my trip from top of the world to rock bottom.<br /><br />i do that every now and then.<br />take the trip, that is.<br /><br />it's getting old.<br /><br />i'm not sure what i'm talking about.<br />nyquil... lack of sleep... i think i'm going below normal body temperature.<br /><br />i hope i forget to breathe in my sleep... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:17363 2008-03-04T19:20:48Z 2008-03-04T19:20:48Z well, the lies were brought forward.<br />the situation was laid out in front of me.<br />he fucked himself hard.<br /><br /><br />and she believed him.<br /><br /><br />HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH<br /><br />her loss, not mine.<br />she can be a single mom at 16.<br />homeless and pregnant.<br />i don't care.<br /><br />i don't hope that happens.<br />but that doesn't mean i wouldn't laugh.<br /><br />ohhh fuck.<br />i hope he gets herpes. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:17031 2008-03-02T12:25:05Z 2008-03-02T12:25:05Z i was going to give you a chance...<br />you stupid fuck.<br /><br />i was going to trust you.<br /><br />i was going to put my insecurities behind me.<br />because, god damnit, i wanted to give you an honest try.<br /><br />i wanted to believe that maybe your outlandish stories were true.<br />i wanted to believe you weren't doing everything in your power to fuck me over.<br /><br />that's what i get<br />for believing.<br /><br /><br />i haven't been so fucking hurt in a long time.<br /><br />you succeeded in making a weak girl cry her eyes out.<br />you successfully knocked me down that extra peg.<br />you were able to get me to tear my wall down just enough.<br />just enough to get shot down.<br />just enough to look foolish.<br />just enough to be used.<br />just enough...<br /><br />just enough to pretend i don't care.<br />and just enough to want to give up. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:16885 2008-02-28T23:38:32Z 2008-02-28T23:38:32Z hey fucker.<br />i tried to trust you.<br /><br />you're making it hard.<br /><br />outrageous stories.<br />obvious lies.<br />things just don't match up.<br /><br />i'm not stupid.<br />but i guess i'll pretend to be...<br /><br />until i can catch you<br />or i get too bored.<br /><br />i mean... suddenly pictures pop up on your friend's myspace<br />wearing the exact same thing you wore while you were<br />'out to dinner with the family.'<br />when in all reality,<br />you were at home. drinking. obviously with people you didn't want me to know that were there.<br /><br /><br />you fail. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:16391 2008-02-25T07:27:19Z 2008-02-25T07:27:19Z i'm tired of snoops.<br />i took the link to this LJ off my myspace.<br /><br /><br />that's an idea, eh?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />shit talkers.<br />people who don't voice what they want.<br />rumor starters.<br />back stabbers.<br />liars.<br />other shady motherfuckers.<br />users.<br />drunks.<br /><br /><br /><br />that's what i've been putting up with since i wrote last.<br />and that's what i'll continue to put up with for a long while.<br /><br /><br />i've found REAL friends.<br />i mean, no, i don't trust them fully.<br />but i've figured out that these 3 people will be here for me<br />no matter what kind of shit i go through.<br /><br />i mean, 3 people besides bren, of course.<br />and shockingly...<br />they're all female.<br /><br />i feel bad...<br />to not trust my own boyfriend.<br /><br />sure, i don't think he's out to get me.<br />but i'm so fucking insecure...<br />i don't know whether to believe him sometimes or not.<br /><br />sometimes i feel a little used...<br />no, not for sex...<br />we don't even do it that often...<br />but...<br />i just...<br />i don't know...<br /><br /><br />i want him to fall all over me.<br />i want him to get stupid over my existence.<br />i want him to worship the ground i walk on.<br /><br />then maybe i'll feel like he wants to be around me...<br />because sometimes...<br />i really don't think very many people like me.<br />i think a lot of them are being fake with me.<br /><br />and someone obsessing over me...<br />feels nice.<br />like i'm wanted.<br />like i'm supposed to be here, maybe.<br /><br />but if he was like that...<br />i know i would only get bored with him.<br />just like the ones before.<br /><br /><br />so... someone decided to tell an ex of mine<br />that i was pregnant and it was his kid.<br />and i got to hear ALL ABOUT IT<br />from this said ex<br />while he was drunk <br />on myspace<br />and he posted plenty of bulletins.<br /><br />and i've got a pretty good idea of who it is.<br />someone who wants to cut me down.<br />someone who can't stand the fact that i have friends.<br />someone who's fake.<br />someone who's already tried to bring me down.<br />someone who is uncontrollably jealous of me.<br /><br />why?<br />WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU JEALOUS OF ME?!<br /><br />homeless. unemployed.<br />going nowhere with my life.<br />and i'm the person to be jealous of?<br />really?<br /><br />now.<br />beyond that rant.<br />no, i'm not pregnant.<br />and if i was<br />it wouldn't even be the ex's kid.<br />just to clear that up.<br />it would be my current boy's.<br />so... chill.<br /><br /><br /><br />i'm almost bummed that the test came back negative.<br />it would have meant me doing something with my life...<br />like... my existence would matter, you know?<br /><br />whatever. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:16162 2008-02-05T09:58:43Z 2008-02-05T09:58:43Z a downward spiral.<br />welcome to my life.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />and small bits of happiness...<br />i expect to crash pretty hard.<br /><br /><br /><br />we'll see, we'll see.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />what is it that they want from me? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:15919 2008-02-04T13:36:43Z 2008-02-04T13:36:43Z <p>i obviously wanted to be the marionette.<br />i obviously wanted him to pick the song.<br />i obviously wanted to dance in his hand.<br />i obviously wanted to be trapped.<br /><br />a timeless old record.<br />played over and over.<br />i know the song.<br />i've heard it before.<br />i've danced to it before.<br />whilst they hold my strings.<br /><br />the sweet sound of deception.<br />the melodic tune of lies.<br />i followed every movement.<br />i mimicked every pattern.<br />he wanted to blind me.<br />i was willing to fall.<br /><br />the more i danced,<br />the more entangled&nbsp;i became.<br />he never lost grip of the strings.<br />i was tone deaf to his little ditty.<br />for i could only hear sweet notes.<br />i danced out my own destruction.<br /><br />he accidentally dropped me.<br />but wanted to keep playing.<br />he tried to pick the pieces back up.<br />but the moment had ended.<br />the track had skipped.<br />i no longer wanted to dance.<br /><br />i twisted and turned.<br />tried to break free.<br />his grip, so tight.<br />his music, so tantalizing.<br />i was almost free.<br />had to break free.<br /><br />what's this in my pocket?<br />the scissors of my salvation.<br />hurry, quickly, cut the strings.<br />escape before he notices.<br />i hit the ground, a broken toy.<br />he never took the time to look down.<br /><br /></p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:15736 2008-02-03T15:02:33Z 2008-02-03T15:02:33Z <p>i become blinded easily.<br /><br />i've had this wall of apathy and distrust for so long<br />it couldn't withstand everything.<br />there was going to be that one pebble<br />thrown by a small, curious boy<br />that would tip the iceberg.<br />and he accomplished that.<br /><br />it happens.<br />my fortress and walls that keep me from trusting anyone...<br />they are sometimes broken by lies and manipulation.<br /><br />i guess i should know that by now.<br />why would i even think things would go my way?<br />why would i believe that i'm someone's first, and only, choice.<br /><br />i shouldn't be so childish.<br />i shouldn't regress so badly<br />by believing things would change.<br /><br />i shouldn't have thought a boy would care.<br />i should have used the situation that was given to me.<br /><br />i should have continued my plan.<br />i should have dropped any contact immediately.<br />i should have let him know right off the bat<br />that his existence didn't matter.<br />that without him, my pathetic life would still go on.<br />that i'm a strong enough individual<br />to not attach myself to the first person who looks my way.<br /><br />but hey,<br />i wouldn't be the decaying mass of flesh&nbsp;<br />with raging, unnecessary emotion&nbsp;<br />that is my human existence&nbsp;<br />if i had thought any differently of the situation.<br /><br />but we're aware of what will happen next.<br />he'll lie to me, yet again.<br />and i'll believe his bullshit.<br />and he will feel empowered.<br />and i'm back in the same spot.<br /><br />going off on wild rants to people who don't deserve to listen to that shit.<br />and writing a blog 12 hours later because i can't work out my own probelms.<br /><br />that's how i play the game.<br />that's how he plays the game.<br />that's how i end up so badly hurt.<br />that's how he gets the last laugh.<br /><br />i just don't understand...<br />he didn't start the games&nbsp;<br />until after physical contact took place.<br /><br />if you got exactly what you wanted...<br />and it's clear that i'm willing to stick around for physical mingling...<br />why the head games?<br />why fuck with me to the point of a mental break down?<br />why try to make me emotionally dependent on you?<br /><br />dominance.<br /><br />it's always a lie.<br />it's always a game.<br />it's always a battle.<br /><br />so who lost this time?<br /><br />the liar...<br />or the believer?</p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:15460 2008-02-01T12:23:56Z 2008-02-01T12:23:56Z 'Eat You Alive' -Limp Bizkit <i>i'm drawn to you<br />something's magnetic here...</i><br /><br /><br />i must have 'rape me' posted on my back.<br /><br /><br />ok, not 'rape me'<br />more like<br />'take advantage me while drunk, please'<br /><br /><br />seriously.<br /><br /><br />i've gotten to the point to where it doesn't phase me anymore.<br />but now it's affecting... chances.<br /><br />i hope he believes me.<br />i hope he doesn't call me a liar.<br /><br />...<br />damnit<br /><br />i hope this fucker<br />didn't screw my shot at happiness up.<br /><br /><br /><i>i just wanna look at you<br />i just wanna look at you<br />i just wanna look at you<br />all day...</i><br /><br /><br />dontfallinlove<br />dontfallinlove<br />dontfallinlove<br />stopfallinginlove<br />stopfallinginlove<br />stupidgirl<br />stupidgirl<br />stupidgirl<br /><br />...<br /><br /><i>once you seep in...<br />under my skin...<br />there's nothing...<br />there's nothing in this world<br />that could wash you away...</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:15259 2008-01-30T15:00:41Z 2008-01-30T15:00:41Z i really love this more than my blog area on myspace<br /><br />merely for the fact that a good 50 people read my blogs.<br />and maybe 2 read this.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />so i can really let go here.<br /><br /><br /><br />so<br />zach<br /><br />new zach<br />not old zach<br /><br /><br />thought i would clear that up<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />new zach.<br /><br /><br />i feel way too strongly for him.<br /><br /><br />he knows me too well for not knowing me at all.<br /><br /><br /><br />he knows how to get into my head<br /><br /><br />and for some reason<br />i don't care.<br /><br /><br />ok well i guess i'm not coherent enough for an emotional gut spilling post.<br /><br /><br />so i'll leave it at this<br />for now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:14982 2008-01-27T14:34:29Z 2008-01-27T14:34:29Z when will you realize<br />your guilt trips don't work on me anymore?<br /><br /><br />was it supposed to hurt me<br />when i meant to hurt you?<br /><br /><br />were you lying to me<br />while i tried lying to you?<br /><br /><br />do you honestly believe<br />it will ever be the same again?<br /><br /><br />how can you<br />just throw everything away?<br /><br /><br />where did it<br />go so wrong?<br /><br /><br />why?<br /><br /><br />how long will it take them<br />to realize how fake you really are?<br /><br /><br />why is it that you only care<br />if i'm naked?<br /><br /><br />does talking shit about me<br />cover up your own pointless existence?<br /><br /><br />what is it <br />that you see in me?<br /><br /><br />when will you<br />stop pretending?<br /><br /><br />how did that<br />not creep me out?<br /><br /><br />will you ever<br />take a hint?<br /><br /><br />does it make you feel good<br />that you've fucked me up so badly?<br /><br />oh yeah.<br />same goes for you, too.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />what the hell <br />are we going to do? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:14601 2008-01-26T09:55:35Z 2008-01-26T09:55:35Z how the fuck<br /><br /><br /><br />was he right<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />about everything...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />he can't really care about me.<br />not that much...<br />why can't he just be a boy<br /><br />i just want to be used for sex and heart broken.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />better that way<br />than falling for him<br />and getting heart broken<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />im such a lame ass urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:14342 2008-01-26T09:45:32Z 2008-01-26T09:45:32Z let's just say<br /><br />i'm an idiot.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i fall for everyone<br />no matter who it is.<br /><br />and everytime, they fuck with my head<br />i think that this one is different.<br />and i get fucked over a good one.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />but this time<br />it really is different.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />bren actually approves.<br />very odd...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />and his eyes...<br />god, those eyes...<br /><br />beyond the fact that they are absolutely gorgeous...<br />i almost think he's being honest.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />but i'm scared to fall for this shit<br />again. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:desireddespair:14085 2008-01-25T14:06:09Z 2008-01-25T14:06:09Z i really don't give a fuck anymore.<br /><br />stay up for a week?<br />why not?<br /><br />drive after 2 games of pong and 3 beer bongs?<br />what have i got to lose?<br />my life?<br />whatever.<br />not like it matters.<br /><br />i realize now i shouldn't have drank and drove.<br />too risky to hurt another person.<br /><br />how unfortunate.<br /><br />to be honest,<br />i felt sober when i got into that truck.<br />the alcohol hadnt fully hit me...<br />so i wasnt being purposely reckless beyond all belief.<br /><br /><br /><br />sure i could have pulled over when i realized i was drunk<br />but why would i do sensible things?<br /><br />and how the fuck does he get to me?<br />every goddamn time.<br /><br />and who the hell is this shit talkin hoe?<br />i swear...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />maybe having christian would have straightened my shit out...<br />then again<br />bringing a child into this fucked up world...<br />i wouldnt want to...<br />ever.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />ugh.<br />there's so much i want to say<br />but i can't spit it out.