inside the forsaken mind.

i'm feeling: awake

i obviously wanted to be the marionette.
i obviously wanted him to pick the song.
i obviously wanted to dance in his hand.
i obviously wanted to be trapped.

a timeless old record.
played over and over.
i know the song.
i've heard it before.
i've danced to it before.
whilst they hold my strings.

the sweet sound of deception.
the melodic tune of lies.
i followed every movement.
i mimicked every pattern.
he wanted to blind me.
i was willing to fall.

the more i danced,
the more entangled i became.
he never lost grip of the strings.
i was tone deaf to his little ditty.
for i could only hear sweet notes.
i danced out my own destruction.

he accidentally dropped me.
but wanted to keep playing.
he tried to pick the pieces back up.
but the moment had ended.
the track had skipped.
i no longer wanted to dance.

i twisted and turned.
tried to break free.
his grip, so tight.
his music, so tantalizing.
i was almost free.
had to break free.

what's this in my pocket?
the scissors of my salvation.
hurry, quickly, cut the strings.
escape before he notices.
i hit the ground, a broken toy.
he never took the time to look down.

i'm feeling: crushed

i become blinded easily.

i've had this wall of apathy and distrust for so long
it couldn't withstand everything.
there was going to be that one pebble
thrown by a small, curious boy
that would tip the iceberg.
and he accomplished that.

it happens.
my fortress and walls that keep me from trusting anyone...
they are sometimes broken by lies and manipulation.

i guess i should know that by now.
why would i even think things would go my way?
why would i believe that i'm someone's first, and only, choice.

i shouldn't be so childish.
i shouldn't regress so badly
by believing things would change.

i shouldn't have thought a boy would care.
i should have used the situation that was given to me.

i should have continued my plan.
i should have dropped any contact immediately.
i should have let him know right off the bat
that his existence didn't matter.
that without him, my pathetic life would still go on.
that i'm a strong enough individual
to not attach myself to the first person who looks my way.

but hey,
i wouldn't be the decaying mass of flesh 
with raging, unnecessary emotion 
that is my human existence 
if i had thought any differently of the situation.

but we're aware of what will happen next.
he'll lie to me, yet again.
and i'll believe his bullshit.
and he will feel empowered.
and i'm back in the same spot.

going off on wild rants to people who don't deserve to listen to that shit.
and writing a blog 12 hours later because i can't work out my own probelms.

that's how i play the game.
that's how he plays the game.
that's how i end up so badly hurt.
that's how he gets the last laugh.

i just don't understand...
he didn't start the games 
until after physical contact took place.

if you got exactly what you wanted...
and it's clear that i'm willing to stick around for physical mingling...
why the head games?
why fuck with me to the point of a mental break down?
why try to make me emotionally dependent on you?

dominance.

it's always a lie.
it's always a game.
it's always a battle.

so who lost this time?

the liar...
or the believer?